learning to sink into myself
by Cilla Cygnus
Summary: okay first fanfic. it's HG/MM. Please read it, I'd love some encouragement. Doesn't follow HP plot perfectly, but not AU.  Rated T for my potty mouth
1. Chapter 1

**Hello all, Cilla Cygnus here to tell you that I own nothing. J.K Rowling is the creative genius behind all this.**

**I'm a fanfic reader for the most part so I'm quite inexperienced as a fanfiction _writer_. This fanfiction will not be following the plot of HP perfectly, and I will be taking liberties with a few things. All critiques are welcome and encouraged. **

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><p>Hermione's fourth year hadn't even started, and yet she was nervous. It was a hot August afternoon, and a fit of worry jolted through her. She had come home from the Burrow about a week earlier, and now thoughts of school flooded her head. She had a horrible experience last year with the Time Turner, but she felt like she was somehow failing by lightening her course load. No one had ever alluded to failure. In fact, the only time failure was ever hinted at was when McGonagall had given her the Time Turner in order to accommodate her impossibly packed schedule.<p>

_McGonagall_. Just the name ran shivers down Hermione's spine. She was so eager to please Professor McGonagall. After all, she was an animagus, and Hermione wanted more than anything else to do the same. Professor McGonagall was Hermione's inspiration, her role model, and even, as of last year, her mentor. Hermione admired her professor so highly that she was embarrassed by it. Hermione was terrified that McGonagall would find out that she idolized her.

And that was why Hermione was anxious. She was nervous about returning to Hogwarts and seeing McGonagall. Seeing her professor, who would no longer like her. Who could have found some other student to devote all that time and attention to. Hermione tried to convince herself that she was being unreasonable, but that sliver of doubt grew quickly without something to prove it false.

In a matter of days, Hermione was reduced to a nervous wreck. She recounted all the stupid things she had said and done the year before. She played all types of scenarios through her mind. Excuses as to why her courseload was so much lighter, or how she might ask for animagus lessons. Or even to ask to have tea like they had done on a few occasions during her 3rd Year.

Jean Granger was concerned for her daughter. She noticed that Hermione was smiling less, and that meals were now a silent affair. One morning, she finally asked her daughter what was troubling her.

"I'm just nervous about school," Hermione answered matter-of-factly.

"You've never been nervous about school, dear. In fact, you're always excited around this time, and you just can't wait for class to start." Jean replied. She sipped her coffee and looked at Hermione sympathetically. "Please tell me what's troubling you. I'm your mother for Pete's sake, this is what I'm here for." Hermione shifted uncomfortably. Jean Granger looked at her daughter, her face displaying a combination of sympathy, curiosity, and concern.

After a moment, Hermione exhaled, "There's this professor, mum." Hermione looked at her hands.

Jean Granger smiled lopsidedly at her daughter, "And you're nervous that, when you come back to school, you won't have the same sort of mentor-student relationship that you had last year?" Hermione nodded. "Well, when I was about your age, I had an English teacher who I absolutely adored. Mrs. Phillips was her name. She had this horrible sardonic sense of humor and she was quite strict, but she was never cruel and gave each of her students a chance. She never let anyone fall through the cracks. Sometimes, I ate lunch in her room, and we talked about the books we were reading, or movies and such. She made me feel so special, and therefore I craved her attention. I thought she was absolutely wonderful, and I was distraught when the year was over. I didn't know what would come of the bond we had developed over the course of the school year. When I came back to school after summer holidays, I was so nervous to set foot back in her room. Unlike you, our teachers changed every year, so it was about a week until I visited Mrs. Phillips. She was busily grading papers, and I stepped in, absolutely bright red in the face from nervous embarrassment." Hermione smiled at her mother and laughed softly. "Horrible, I know," Jean beamed reassuringly at her daughter, "After some initial awkwardness, it was back to the way it had been. If I hadn't been so nervous, it probably wouldn't have been so uncomfortable for the two of us. I ended up grading papers for her my senior year. It's been a long time since I've seen her, but she was a truly lovely lady." Jean sighed with a faraway look in her eyes. "So this professor of yours...?"

Hermione blushed, "Well, I think you about summed it up there mum."

Jean nodded at her daughter, and gave her a comforting pat on the hand. "Have you considered picking up a hobby to take your mind off of it, dear?"

Hermione hadn't thought of that. "Like what? I can't draw, or play a musical instrument, and we don't have any dogs."

"Well, when I was your age, I used to run," Jean offered.

"_RUN?" _Hermione said incredulously. Jean nodded.

"It's great to get your mind off things and improve your mood. I ran all the time when I was a teenager. Kept me out of trouble"

"But mum, you know that I'm horrible at sports."

Jean chuckled, "Who do you think you got it from?" Hermione laughed. "No athletic ability required sweetheart. We've got a couple weeks before school starts. How about we go get you some shoes today, and we can go out to that wonderful park across the street. If you don't enjoy yourself, I will not force you to continue. And you can get wonderful muscle tone from running." Hermione laughed and playfully swatted her mother. Her friends used to call her Twiggy when she was younger, and, although she had gotten over it, she was still slim and wiry.

Hermione couldn't argue with her mother, and went with her to the sporting goods store later that afternoon. Hermione's mother purchased a pair of trainers, a few pairs of shorts and sports bras, ankle socks, and a sports watch for her.

About two hours later, Hermione finally got up the courage to go off to the park. After brief instructions on using her watch, some nervous arguing, and a lot of encouragement from her mother, Hermione left to go running. She was faster than she had realized. Once she felt like it had been a decent amount of time, she checked her watch. It had only been five minutes. However, Hermione hadn't started hating it yet, so she kept going. After 35 minutes of running, Hermione was sweating hard and decided to call it quits.

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><p>"So did you enjoy yourself?" Jean Granger asked as Hermione entered the house. Hermione nodded and flopped onto the cool marble. Jean handed her a glass of water, which she took gratefully. "If you get too hot, you can take your shirt off and slide it through the straps of your sports bra." Hermione's eyes widened with shock. "Or not. You just look quite overheated. Remember to stretch, sweet." Hermione nodded and took another generous gulp of water.<p>

"Can I go again tomorrow? But maybe around the block and downtown or something?The park was quite boring." Jean beamed at her daughter.

"Of course, just be careful of cars. Stop your watch when you get to traffic lights." Jean Granger lightly ruffled Hermione's hair and went upstairs. Hermione pulled off her shoes, stretched, and took a refreshing shower.

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><p>The next morning, Hermione woke up at 6, got out the door at 6:30, and ran for 30 minutes before deciding to return home. She ran for 1 hour, 10 minutes, and 27 seconds that day. This continued until August 30th, two days before Hermione would return to school. "Mum?" Hermione called up to her mother from her room. No answer. "<em>MUM?" <em>she shouted.

"Yes dear?" Jean Granger walked halfway down the stairs so she wouldn't have to shout.

"_DO YOU THINK I SHOULD BRING MY RUNNING CLOTHES?" _

"Dear, I'm right here." Jean stepped into Hermione's line of sight.

"Sorry Mum." Hermione giggled.

"It wouldn't hurt to bring them. Go ahead and take them if you've got space." Hermione shrugged. Because she had fewer textbooks for the year, she had space for her running clothes with room to spare.

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><p>Harry was describing Dudley's new school uniform. "...and the <em>HAT!" <em>Harry burst out laughing. "Dear god the hat was hilarious. It made him look like he belonged with Mary Poppins, and those bloody dancing penguins." Ron looked confused as Hermione and Harry burst out in hysterical laughter.

"Is Mary Poppins some muggle thing?" Ron asked slightly accusingly. Hermione nodded.

"It's a kid's movie," she answered. "It was one of my favourites when I was younger. Basically, Dudley's hat looks like a pancake with a brim." Ron chuckled at that.

"So how was your August, 'Mione?" Harry asked as the tea trolley wheeled up to the compartment.

After Ron had purchased 2 containers of Bertie Bott's, 4 chocolate frogs, and a pumpkin juice, and after Harry had purchased 2 chocolate frogs and a container of Bertie Bott's, Hermione purchased a chocolate frog and a licorice wand

Hermione tore off a chunk of the licorice wand and answered, "It's been good. Once I calmed down about what happened at the World Cup, it was good. I tried running. I like it a lot."

"_RUNNING?" _Ron looked at her incredulously, and she could only nod at him.

"My mum suggested it to keep me from getting too stressed," Hermione began,

"Smart woman," Harry interjected. Hermione stuck her tongue out at him, then continued,

"Anyway, I found that I quite like it. Hopefully I'll be able to do it at Hogwarts."

"Well, you could always try Quidditch Hermione. _Quidditch _is stress-relief too, you know." Ron joked.

"Well, I prefer to have my feet on the ground, Ron." Ron rolled his eyes, and Harry chuckled. Hermione could not help but smile at Ron and Harry's reactions. They were the best friends she could ever have.

"Hey! I got a McGonagall." Harry slid the Chocolate Frog trading card to Hermione, who looked at him quizzically. "I've already got one, and she's your favorite teacher." Hermione inwardly breathed a sigh of relief that Harry didn't know about her near fanatical obsession with her professor. Hermione took the card and slid it into one of the inner pockets of her bag.

"Eh, I got a Helga Hufflepuff," Ron grunted and tore open a second frog. Hermione took another bite of her licorice wand and took out her tattered paperback of Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Darcy had just handed Elizabeth his letter, and Hermione was absolutely _dying_ to know what it said. "Hermione, is that a _muggle_ novel?"

"Uh, yeah, why?"

"I dunno, usually, you'd be reading a textbook or something. Or a giant pamphlet on some transfiguration theory. not a **muggle novel**." Ron spit the words out like a pepper flavored Bertie Bott.

"Ron's got a point actually. Why the novel, Granger?" Harry teased, but smiled to show Hermione that he was only joking.

"I've already read through most of my textbooks for the year, and, muggle or not, Jane Austen is a fantastic writer." Hermione retorted.

"I'm actually glad you're reading a novel Hermione," Harry encouraged. "I'm happy that you're reading something you really enjoy. Hopefully, this year will be better. Less stressful and such." Hermione nodded. She shared the hope of her friends that things would be alright.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello, Cilla here with a wonderful update. I am off to the land of baguettes, berets, and Brel on Wednesday, so probably no updates soon. Hopefully you all will be content with this for at least a little while. **

**I'm cram updating so I have no time to thank anyone personally, but I am so grateful to everyone who story-alerted and such, and _especially_ to those who reviewed. You are the ones who made this update happen. Love you guys. **

**If you are enjoying "let me sink into myself" please check out the very beginnings of a new fic, "Finding Minerva" based on the movie "Losing Chase."**

**Enjoy **

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><p>Once the uproar surrounding the Triwizard Tournament finally settled, things gradually returned to normal, with a few adjustments, of course. Hermione was not very pleased with the changes, at least to start with. Firstly, the library was much more crowded than usual. She found her usual hiding places taken by gossiping girls from Beauxbatons, and the boys from Durmstrang liked to sit at her favorite table. Too afraid to confront anyone, Hermione took to the common room, which the Beauxbatons and Durmstrangs were careful to avoid.<p>

Thanks to her lighter course load, Hermione found herself with more time for reading, and for a social life. Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil had invited her to study with them. Needless to say, Hermione was shocked at how dumb they were and yet how high their grades were. However, Hermione enjoyed talking and laughing with her newfound friends. Hermione also found herself with more time to spend with Harry and Ron, mostly to help them with their homework, but sometimes to visit Hagrid.

One thing Hermione had not done was talk to Professor McGonagall, something she had meant to do the entire summer. Now it was mid-October, and Hermione had just gotten up the courage to say something to her teacher that wasn't "hello," or an intricate answer to a question.

To be honest, Hermione had intended to have a chat with her professor since the first day of class, but she had talked herself out of it. Usually the reason was the array of papers on her teacher's desk, but gradually Hermione realized that she was truly afraid of seeing her professor outside of the classroom again. Hermione's fear of change got the better of her, until she came early to class one crisp autumn day. The sky was cloudy, and sunset colored leaves were beginning to fall to the ground.

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><p>Hermione quietly entered the classroom and placed her bag next to a vacant seat at the front of the room.<p>

"Hello Miss Granger," Hermione jumped slightly, despite the fact that she knew McGonagall was present, "You're early today." Hermione nodded cheerfully and sat down. "How are you getting on? I haven't seen much of you." Hermione nodded again and glanced at her hands before responding,

"Well, that's quite a pity, isn't it? I do miss our evening teas." Hermione replied, then smiled at her teacher to disguise her fear and desire to shove all those words back in her mouth before they could surface. But instead of receiving a vacant glance, Hermione was met with one of Professor McGonagall's rare smiles.

"As do I," she replied warmly, encouraging Hermione to go on.

" I'm really doing quite well, actually. I was thrown off a bit by my course load for a little while," McGonagall looked at her quizzically and Hermione giggled, "I had so much free time that I didn't really know how to cope with it for the first few days."

McGonagall chuckled, "All this free time, and you didn't come to see me?" Hermione's face almost immediately flushed with embarrassment, and Minerva felt like kicking herself. _Why had she said something so desperate? So foolish? Perhaps Hermione hadn't wanted to see her? Or perhaps Hermione just hadn't thought of it? Why am I calling her __**Hermione**__..._Hermione's voice shook Minerva McGonagall from the inner parts of her mind.

"I certainly wanted to, but every time I thought it was a good time, you looked horribly busy, and I really did not want to impede your progress. I do apologize for not saying hello sooner, though." Hermione's gaze turned to her hands hands and she fervently tried to stop blushing.

"Miss Granger, I will always have time for you. Always." She smiled crookedly and wrung her hands as her inner war began again. Minerva felt so conflicted. She meant what she said, but was this really the time or place for words like _that_? Well, of course it was, she wanted Hermione's company, there was no denying it. A smile found its way back to Hermione's face.

"Thank you, Professor."

"So how about you come by my quarters at 7:00pm for tea, just like last year." Minerva was about to kick herself again, but she saw the reality of the situation in Hermione's broad grin. Unable to keep a smile off her own face, "7:00 it is then?" Minerva inquired. Hermione nodded eagerly, and as though by magic, her classmates started to flood into the classroom.

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><p>Hermione laid her clothes out on the bed and her brow furrowed as she tried to figure out what to wear. "Going on a date?" Ginny inquired. Hermione jumped nearly three feet in surprise. She took a moment to collect herself,<p>

"No, just tea with McGonagall."

"Well, you don't have to dress up for _that_." Ginny ran her hand over a new pair of ankle boots.

"Well yes, but it's the first time I've seen her out of class since last year, and I thought some effort might be appropriate."

"Come _on_ Hermione, McGonagall probably doesn't care. She sees you in your robes _all the time_." Hermione realized that she was being a little unreasonable, but she still wanted to dress nicely. Ginny glanced at Hermione, who was still running her eyes up and down the rows of clothes she had laid out, and realized that her friend was completely unconvinced. "Okay, okay, I know there's no talking you out of this." Ginny loomed over the bed and began throwing clothes at Hermione. "Wear your collared shirt with the Gryffindor crest on it, these jeans, wear some calf boots if you've got them, and then this blazer if you must." Hermione looked dumbly at the pile of clothes in her arms. "God Hermione, just put the clothes on and I'll get some accessories for you while you dress."

"Wha-why are you doing this Ginny?"

Ginny shrugged, "Parvati and Lavendar aren't around, and I'm bored. And hey, friends help friends right?" Hermione glared at her, but went off to change.

Hermione walked surreptitiously back into the dorm, and was suddenly besieged by a flurry of red hair. "Hermione, you need to tuck the shirt in..unbutton a few of these buttons, want to create some interest.."

"What interest..?" Hermione squeaked out, but Ginny ignored her. A belt was whipped around her waist, her hair combed into a smooth ponytail, and jewelry on her ears, fingers, and neck. Ginny the tornado finally calmed, allowing Hermione to pull on a pair of calf boots.

"Looking good Granger," Ginny smiled at her and handed Hermione her watch. Hermione walked over to the mirror and smiled. Ginny had done wonders. She _did _look good. She glanced at her watch, 6:55. Ginny opened her arms for a hug, and Hermione wrapped her arms around her friend. "Go get 'em Tiger!" Ginny smacked Hermione's back a couple times, then shoved her out the door.

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><p>Hermione hesitated for a moment outside McGonagall's door before approaching the bronze knocker. She knocked only once and waited for a moment. She was fiddling with her sleeves when the door swung open. Hermione found herself blushing as she looked up at McGonagall. She was dressed in her velvet teaching robes, her hair in a high bun, and her hand beckoned Hermione inside.<p>

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><p>Minerva found herself thinking, <em>Hermione looks really nice this evening. She must really care about this sort of thing...<em>as she led Hermione to her office. "Two sugars if I remember correctly." Minerva stated, feeling a little nervous. She had been teaching for years, and yet students still made her a little nervous. She cared for each and every one of her cubs, and to see Hermione, looking so nicely dressed up and tanned, made her heart pump proudly in her chest.

Hermione felt herself smiling and nodding dumbly. Minerva hadn't forgotten. _Now why am I calling her Minerva..._

"How was your summer Miss Granger? I heard about the chaos at the World Cup, that didn't damage things too badly did it?" Hermione shook her head,

"Not particularly. My summer ended up being quite nice. I spent some time at the Burrow, did some running. It was nice." Hermione sipped her tea.

"Running what?" McGonagall asked, her eyebrows quirked.

"You know, running, like on your feet." Hermione laughed at herself for sounding so silly.

"Well, yes, I just wanted to be sure you weren't running for Prime Minister or something like that." Minerva teased, and the two burst into laughter. Just like old times. When they had calmed down once more, Minerva was the first to speak, "I'm a runner too, you know." Hermione's eyes widened in disbelief. "It was part of Auror training when I was in school for that. Broomsticks were still being developed, so we were taught to run, climb, all those things, if we had to escape a situation without using magic. I kept it up, even while I was teaching. It's quite wonderful isn't it, running..." Minerva sighed, and Hermione found herself muttering to herself. Finally, Hermione found her words,

"I've never seen you out there. Where do you find a place to run? And, yeah, running is quite lovely." Hermione flushed, she was stammering.

"Usually by the black lake. I've taken to the dungeons in recent years though. I could take you some time, Miss Granger. Although I generally run in the mornings, and you might be unaccustomed to early hours." Minerva quickly swallowed a mouthful of hot tea to keep herself from saying anymore, and from slamming her head on the table. Had she forgotten her propriety back at home over the holidays? Minerva was sure that she could kill herself one day with all this anxiety. Gryffindors were known to be brave, but there was nothing in the Gryffindor code against nerves. And in any case, Minerva's nerves never won, so she was as Gryffindor in her actions as could be, despite the fact that her thoughts hinted otherwise.

Hermione's cheeks flushed and her mind exploded with thoughts. _Was this an invitation? Did she really mean it? Should I take it, or would that just be awkward..? _Hermione chewed on her bottom lip as she thought it over.

Minerva was unnerved by Hermione's silence, and took it as a rejection. _I'll take that as a no. _She muttered to herself. Hermione heard only a few words, but it was enough for her to jump back to reality, "Professor, I would be so honored to run with you. Early hours are, luckily, not a problem for me."

McGonagall broke into such a wide smile that it nearly broke Hermione's heart. "I will meet you here tomorrow morning at 6:15am, Miss Granger." Hermione nearly died of joy.

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><p>The meeting went on until it was nearly curfew, and Hermione was beginning to run out of topics. "I will see you then, Professor. Thank you." <em>OH MY GOD. I AM RUNNING TOMORROW WITH PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL. wait, what?<em>


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